Happy new year

Well happy new year. I've made up my mind about alot of stuff tonight. I decided that benson is a good for nothing town that runs on drugs. Alot of womens legs spread faster than the red sea around here for a little crystal. Also if you want a lasting well meaningfull relationship around here you have to keep her locked in a basement with no cracks big enough to slide some powder through. Well if that was really it then it wouldn't be meeningfull would it? So I guess the best idea is to stay out of the mix work as much as possible make money and save up tp get out of this hell hole that they call a town. Because all it takes is to be in the wrong place at the wrong time and you could end up spending the night in the county jail. If it wasn't you then you'll get out after the weekend if it was you you'll get out when they're done with you. And if they think you did it but can't prove it they'll really skrew the hell outa you and then throw you in jail. Escape as fast as you can. And don't trust anyone. Watch out that could be your shadow following you or another tweeker lost in time to this god awful town. Yes I'm out of this place as soon as I turn 18 or get off of parole which ever happens to come first. Only 8 months 6 days to go befor I leave this place as nothing more than a bad memory. And the place to lose yourself, your money, your wife and even your life to the drugs that this town is to famos for. You use to and still can sometimes be able to drive down the street and smell someone in one of the nearby houses cooking up a batch of the towns fuel METH. So for now I've got to go and see if I can't finish up my dinner. I hope they all go to hell. I'll see them there and it will make my day all the better. So thats it for now. And don't forget if you can't smell it cooking the town is dry.

this was what I really think about the weather 

Hey

Well life goes on. I saw my P.O. today everything is fine I hope to get some more stuff done tomarrow. So for now there isn't much going on. I've been staying clean and the girl has been getting dirtyer. So she hasn't even really gotten in touch with me much. She belongs to the drug they are the focuse of her life not me and I can see that all to clearly now. So tomarrow I'm just going to go on and start talking to more girls in alot more friendly way. I'm single. Oh boy nothing to keep me from going out to dinner or other things with more girls than just the one I was with hopefully I'll make some new friends along the way. I'll still be careful of who it is that I'm with so don't worry about that I've made it through worse things and it actually seem to releave alot of stress not to have to worry about what I'm going to say to her. A weight has been lifted. I'm now less loaded down with the troubles of everyday life. Less stuff I get to deal with that I don't have to so thats the whole ball of wax.

I got it!!

Well I managed to get my mom to go to town for a little while so I could get the computer. I just started really cleaning my room out and up more than just enough to live in. I know it is way over due. I lagged on it as long as I could so now I've found a reason to delay a little longer. I know that this delay won't last that long because as soon as my mom gets back I'm going to try to convince her to do some writting and I'm going to leave her and the computer alone with each other for awhile. So this is where I'm at no I haven't really gotten to the issue with the girl. We have it on temporary hiatas. So that we can bolth have a little time to think about where we are at and where our relationship is and is heading. So that is not over it is just temporarily out of mind so other than my cleaning frenzy I;m not up to much. I am going to see if it is cool with my mom if I do a chore that she is much regretting and then possibly get to see a movie in tucson tomarrow when we go to pick up her best friend Paula at the airport. I've learned a little and am a day older so I guess I better get going before mom comes in she just drove into the driveway. She'll be here to tell me to finish up shortly. I beat her to it so by for now more later?

A day out of time

I took a day out of the troubles and worries of my life. I took the day off and went shopping. To most people this would sound insanly everday. But for me it was bolth a treat and a punishment. People are strange I went and did the mall rat thing and I mostly just watched people. The stuff that goes down in a mall is crazy. People everywhere people there because they have nothing better to do. People there because they need to get some shopping done. People there to meet other people. Social animals are a crazy bunch. Always worried about what other people think about them. Really I don't care that much. If people don't like me so what. I am who I am you can like me or not I'm not going to pretend to be someone I'm not. So life goes on I got next to nothing accomplished today exept having a good day which is exactly what I needed. I still need to get my job aps turned in and job search some more but also learn alot more about what I have to do to get into school this semester so I can get my college education underway. OHH boy sounds like fun doesn't it. A full class load of prerequisites. Just the dry boring stuff I wanted to learn. I'll just try to keep my sanity by blogging. I was almost over the edge this morning and I'm still not sure why so I've still got alot to learn and a lot to see go by so I've got to get in gear. Upshift I made it out of first now I'm hitting the red line in second.

MMMM what a day

Well I think I fond the answer to all my problems. It's a girl. The bad thing is that she sounds great but doesn't even live in the US. Well I'll just have to get over that one for now untill I'm rich and can move to the UK or pay for her to move over here so we can get to know each other. What is really on my mind is my current situation. I still haven't gotten much of anywhere. I haven't had a chance to talk to this girl in person yet. I need to make a point of it and get together with her befor I lose the will. I have been avoiding it a little but also she doesn't seem to be all that interested in hanging with me all the time so maybe the problem is resolving itself. We may be drifting apart so it won't really hurt either of us that bad. Well I still have to really tell her OH BOY. Just what I wanted to do. But I've been thinking about it since befor I got out so it is well over due. Christmas is over. The time has come to open this can of worms

Blog Blog Blog

Well I try to at least get in one a day. I barely got this one in today. So the news and veiws haven't changed much around here. The girl with no prompting says she is trying to get away from her bad lifestyle I've still yet to really talk to her about how I feel. I'll try to catch up with her tomarrow after I go see the shrink for that part of my parole. So it's late I've got to catch some sleep. Blog more tomarrow!

Christmas.............

Well It's Christmas. I woke up today to the water frozen. It starts off the day with a kick. Then when I went out to feed the horses the Ice on there water barrels was about an inch thick. It isn't suppose to be this cold. It's Arizona. Merry Christmas to all ant tomarrow is going to be quite a day. I have to tell the girl.

Lagging again

Well I've gone and done it. I never did cet it touch with the girl yesterday. Now I've decided that I'm going to wait till after Christmas unless she comes over to my place. I don't want to ruin the spirit for her or me but I also don't want to let it go for to long. If I don't get it done I have decided that it will definitly not lead me to anything but trouble. So I need to do it and I know that right now I'm sounding like a member of the procrastinaters club of america but I'm really not trying to I just don't know how to do it exactly. I know that it is going to hurt us bolth so I'm just going to tell her strait. The truth hurts sometimes but the truth is the truth. No way to get around it that is how it is. Jason died yesterday one my one week aniversary of getting out of jail. So I didn't even get to see him since I had been out of jail. It had been probably eighteen months since I saw him last. I hope that this girl that I am in such a tricky situation over also knew him so maybe she will spend a while thinking about how and why he died. Maybe it will wake her up without me having to intervein. I can only hope and if she doesn't I will have to ask her to make that decision of me or drugs and I will help her if she chooses to get away from drugs. I have been there and I know where she is with it. So I've got to go for now. Love bites.

A BIG WAKE UP CALL

Well today isn't off to a good start so far. This morning I find out that one of my better friends died. He was a victum of the speed that he let become such a part of his life. He had been in the hospital for a bad case of pnemonia from smoking crystal. It was kind of a rude awakening. Then about two hours after I find out my (girlfriend?) calls me and tells me about it so I think that today is going to be the day that I man up and tell her it's either me or meth she can't have bolth. If she chooses the meth then so be it. It will hurt but I will survive. I'm not going to sit back and know that she is still with me and out killing herself slowly withan obsticle that I have already overcome that it isn't that she can't it's that she doesn't want to quit and move on with her life!!

Now or later

Yes I have spent another day not making any decision about what I am going to do with my relationship with myexgirlfriend?Preset girl? I still don't really have a clue on what to do or maybe I do and I just dont want to do it. I think that it is the latter of the two. I just don't really know how to tell her that she either has to quit the drugs or lose me. I don't really want to take the chance of losing her but that is how life is sometimes it can hurt to do the right thing. I especially need to do it before I start spending alot of time with her because my PO could drop in and search my house at any time and what if she had something on her that would cause me top violate. Then I would get hurt anyway and be in a potentily wors bind than I would be if I just lay it out there. Well I've gone and done it I started crying just thinking about it. Now I've got to go for now befor I get to curled up into a typing crying lump in front of the computer. I'll let you know how it went tomarrow if I can bring myself to get off my ass.

Ending up...

The firey debate of what to do with my life is continuing on. I still have made no decision at all. We just talked a few minutes ago and she called me because things are not going her way at the moment and I am one of the few people she can talk to without worsening her mood. I not only don't add to the fire of her mood I help to quench it. If I don't end up staying together with her as a soul mate for the rest of mylife I definitly want to keep her as one of my freinds. I will keep working on what to do but what do I do is the question that is always in my mind I will work on my plots and plans for the future so for now. I'm still working at getting a job I just finished filling out a job application for Jack in the crack and one for ACE hardware Ohh boy maybe I'm not going to end up flipping burgers Maybe I'll end up SKREWING NUTS!!

Two for tuesdays?

Here we are and I still havent reached much of a conclusion. Another day has past and now I'm even more unsure than I was yesterday. I havent gotten much of anywhere as far as decision making is concerned but I did figure something out. If I know that I'm going to sleep on something I avoid sleep as long as possible. Yes it's my way of running away from whats on my mind. I think that today I should get together with her and really talk even deeper into how I feel and where is it going to go. I dread this because I know that it will end in tears but also crave it as a way to get some more loose ends tied up that I could trip over. So ohh boy maybe I'll reduce myself to a quivering crying lump later. So maybe I should enjoy my last few hours of being a manly man not a crying lump. I think it takes more of a man to be able to cry so maybe I'll be more of a man by the end of the day

Life goes on

Well life goes on. I haven't gotten a jop yet; Or even looked for one. Shame on me! I got a little roofing done and had a really good talk with my mom. I think we both have a better idea of where we stand as far as each other are concerned. Oh boy I get to go to the shrink tomarrow. So the night drags on I've go to go for now. I hope to post more later or definitly something tomarrow

1 more day to decide

Well It's been another day. I don't know what to do at all now. I have had many suggestions that say that I should just let her go. That makes me bolth want to keep trying even harder just because everone said that it can't or won't work out in the long run. It also really makes me think what if everyone that made a comment was right? I don't know there is so much uncertainty in the future. I am now so lost in indecision. I'll sleep on it and see if I can't reach a decision or at least come alot closer to one. Maybe I should just ask her to read my blog and it may help. Maybe there is some kind of decision together that will work out for the best. Life isn't about sheer calculations sometimes you have to take chances. You still have to pay attention to the odds. So what are the odds? I know that they can't be that good but she still waited for me for fifteen months so that has to count for something!

This is where it really

Today I have to get my shit together. My first weekend out of jail has ended and I have to get to working on what I'm going to do from here. I will need a job. Ohh boy what fun flipping burgers probably. I don't really have that many self evident job skills so that may be the extent of my possibilities of work for a while. That isn't my idea of fun either but it will put a few bucks in my pocket and keep me busy and out of trouble.

a day with her

Well I spent most of last night and today with this legendary woman from previous posts. I don't even know where to start i have a little better idea of where I stand but not that much better. I know that she still has feelings for me. Thats definitly good. But as I had worried she is even more into the drugs side then I had origionally suspected. I've watched others get that total love blindness and I know that anyone can catch that very powerfull hurtfull bug so I've got to be carefull. I'm trying to watch my back as well as keep it going with her. Is that possible? I know where I stand now it is time for her to choose hers. I had a real talk with her and she was reduced all the way to tears. I felt so bad that I also joined her for a good cry. We cried together and then we resumed our talk. I really told her how I felt about meth and her. I told her how scared I was that if she kept up her meth use that I would start using again with her and how that would tear us back apart. I really think that this could be the woman of my dreams but there is allways that spec of doubt in my mind that if left unchecked could cause me to sabotage it myself. If I don't pay any attention to it at all I will end up with that total blindness that i have seen tear people apart when they finially find out that it is over and it has been for a long time they were just the very last person to know that they are in something that has been gone and isn't reopening anytime soon I don't know where either one of those points begin maybe its because I'm young maybe it is because the line doesn't have a set cordinate. Then again maybe I'm just rambling on about some bullshit. So before I get to far off of the subject I will get myself back on track. So while I was spending all this tim with this woman I also found out some more about the adventure that has her going to court. She managed to get herself into a high speed chase in a stolen car with a gun and five illigals and she isn't a citizen of the US she is still a citizen of Canada she may not end up serving jail time but getting deported. So again I'm stuck I want to make it work but then again what if it doesn't or she gets deported? I will be setting myself up to fail?? But if it does work out I will have gained so much and learned alot along the way that I took to get there.

It's the time 4 change??

I know that soon I will start my real decision making problems. I have a girl? I don't know what to do or say. she is suppose to come over a little later. I know that she is into drugs. I have feelings for her?? I'm kind of lost because if I do get back with her I don't know where that will put me but if I let her go I may not have anyone for some time. Which way am I better off. I think that i should at least give it a shot but then again I don't. I lost alot to be with her already. Now I'm out of all the bad shit and she's into it. It seems like a no win situation but at least I know that I can let her go. I think. I did my time and now it's back to the bullshit of (normal) everyday life. I know that I can pull myself through all of it but can I pull someone else especially one who isn't sure that they want to go. I have no idea what to do with it. Now I've got to end this one a little short.

Poems from Jail

When does life become unbearable
is it the start
is it the end
or is it that annoying time between

how do you know
how do you tell
If your going to heaven
or HELL

can you get lost
in between
or is it possible
to lose your soul

sell it to Satan
or give it to god
Is it yours to begin with
or do you even have one

are the wise tales
that there is a haeven
and a HELL
how could you really tell

once you are lost
can you be found
once you cross that line
can you go return

or is it over
is that when it ends
or just where
it begins

Back again

I'm back again already. I can't belive how addictive this is it's better than my ex friend crystal meth. So here I sit talking about my life to some people that I don't know and may or may not give a rats ass. So there really isn't much to tell. I'm 17 just got out of jail and definitly need to keep myself busy I've got a brain laying around here somewhere now I've just got to go and find it. Damn I can't seem to remember where I left that brain. Maybe I should try to keep it on a leash. well enough about that escape artist my brain. I've just got so much that I can do that I want to. There are so many choices. I know what I'm not going back to and that is my so called friends drugs. I won't let myself skrew it up again. I got myself into a mess before now I've got to finish working my way out of it. I did my time now it's parole and almost 5grand of restitution so it's almost time for my little vacation of a few days of total freedom to end and call my po and get myself onto the next legof that long climb out of the hole that I managed to dig formyself when I really let my brain turn off. I have a girl that I was with when I got locked up that I don't know what her deal is I haven't really gotten the chance to sit and talk it out. I don't know if I want to I hear she is heavy into the drugs and it showed when I saw her breifly today. I can't even begin to let myself slip twards drugs and the people that use or I could fall right back into it. It's been 3 months 8 days since I did any kind of drug but the urge is still there. I just keep thinking about how much I have to lose if I go back to my old ways. I don't know where I'm really headed I know that if I let myself stop then I'm going to end up in one hell of a mess again and this time I thought I had it bad but it really wasn't shit compared to what I could have gotten. I just want to go back to the old simple way. Didn't have anyone to answer to besides my mom and I couldn't even handle that. I took to much advantage of the times I got let off easy on the "little" stuff that others would have gotten grounded for. I didn't even begin to relize what I had untill I didn't have it anymore. I had to really tell myself to get a life when I decided that just walking through the grocery store was as exiting as going to the amusment park after not being able to and having such a rotine every single day after day after day. Now I'm almost an adult. I passed my GED while I was in there and now I'm preparing to go to college to become a mechanical engineer. Now who would have guessed that I would even make goals like that? I shure as hell didn't a year ago. now I'm actually thinking ahead a little. Yes I'm still a teenager but I'm one thats really starting to get my shit together before it's to late. So close only counts in horse shoes in had gernades so I'm getting myself on the mark to get underway at hitting that target. Now I've go to go the coffie is wearing off so I've got to go and get to bed who knows maybe I'll get up early and make myself use full. So good night for now maybe I'll drop in tomarrow for another fix

whats happening

I've reached the time when I beat mom away from the computer long enough to sit down and write a little about me and what's going on in my world.I'm pretty over loaded with choices I just dragged my sorry ass out of catalina mountain school.Also known as Arizona Department of Juvenile Corrections after 15 months.I put myself there and now I've made my time and gotten out.I thought that it was time that I moved on,got my shit togethern and I moved on with the rest of my life.I have gotten it together at least a little so far butr I'm only one day out and have more to go and I'm headed on.Thats a wrap.catch you on the flip side.

# 1

Hey i've gotten it started